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I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Bless me Father for I hit send.
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
Son: am I adopted? Me: not yet, but we`re hopeful.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I`m hungry, but I`m not `cook something` hungry.