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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Rock bottom is when you get dinner at the same place you buy your gas.
If you`ve ever wondered which of your friends are really amazing, you`re in luck today. :)
On a scale from 1 to 10 how likely is it that your dumbass will say 11?
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.