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How is it that when you are dead and a zombie you can rip open a man`s ribcage, but when you are alive you struggle with a bag of chips?
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
There’s really no reason to repeat yourself. I ignored you just fine the first time.
I liked you a lot more before I met you.
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.