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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Legalizing same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
If a lesbian c*ckblocks another lesbian, is that considered a beaver dam?
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.