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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I don`t think any of my vampire jokes will ever see the light of day.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you`d think they could fly...
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
You can`t be late until you show up
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
We could learn a lot from bees. Organization, productivity, community sacrifice, stinging people who annoy us.......