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My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
I do 5 sit ups daily. It might not sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
WebMD auto dialed an ambulance when I entered my chicken nugget intake.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish ... I`m not even high.
I`m starting a pay it backward campaign. When I get up to the drive through window I tell them that the car behind me is going to pay for it.
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)