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At least mosquitos are attracted to me.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
Facebook should win an Emmy for Best Daytime Dramas.
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.