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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
Life`s short ... Drink fast
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Ok ... I just had a talk with myself, and it did not go well. Now I`m grounded.