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*Removes smoke detector battery *Cooks in silence
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
Do these `Skinny Jeans` make my blood circulation look more than purple or less than purple?
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
Anybody else have those FB friends that set up a FB account 4 years ago and posted once or twice and hasn`t been back on since? And you wonder how they can exist without a Life?
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
For a guy who makes as many bad decisions as I do, I feel like I should be having more fun.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?