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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
I`ll make better mistakes tomorrow.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
A court date is still technically a date, right?
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.