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Getting to bed early so I can be well rested and fully alert for my morning anxiety.
Telling a girl to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat.
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
FB friends, please let me know if you own one of those cool little Smart cars so I can unfriend you.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw