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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
The longest yard for me is that space between me and the nacho dip
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first make sure she has coffee, you don`t want to get up there and there`s no coffee.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)
I hear they designed the newest iPhone to fit perfectly in your hand, right where your money used to be.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone