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Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
A day without sunshine is like, you know... night
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out