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is cuddling up with a good book and a cup of tea. Ah, who am I kidding... I´m looking at Hustler and having a beer.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
You make your own luck`.. a saying most popular with lucky f*ckers
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
"How`s phone reception in the bathroom?" is an important question, but one you just can`t ask on a job interview.
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I hate when the remote is way over there
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.