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Falling in love is lot like dying, you never get to do it enough to become good at it.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don`t even remember what he did anymore.