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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
I fight evil wherever it may be ... except in dark, scary places.