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I`m not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again....
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.