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Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
Was shopping when a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain`t got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I`m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it`s up to you.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
You don’t have to be drunk to love me, but it helps
According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.