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Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
I poured some shampoo over my speakers today and they blew up... So much for EXTRA VOLUME.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
what is the difference between a Fly and a mosquito? ``A fly can fly, But a Mosquito can`t mosquito``
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
If you get angry, just relax, take a deep breath and count to ten, unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.