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3yo just yelled "face-five!" & slapped his brother in the face. I`m totally using that at work tomorrow.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
There is no better sunscreen than sitting inside a bar.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
Girls who don`t get naked when you`re drunk.. Explain yourselves.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
It`s kind of weird that beams of electricity strike down from the sky and we`re all just okay with it.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, Iām pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
I can`t wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out