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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I hate it when Hippos fall on me when walking home from school... :D
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Me on New Years Eve: “I suggest we drink before we go out drinking.”
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.