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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
Been there, done that. Hypothetically
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.