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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.