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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
Women are always complaining that men are messy by leaving clothes layin around…..That’s because women take up all the closets
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Just noticed there`s no comma in "Bed Bath & Beyond" and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.
You mean to tell me people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?