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The hardest part about being rejected is that I end up liking them even more as a person for their ability to make great decisions.
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
Don`t forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.