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never be afraid to wipe twice
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
I just awesomed all over the place.
Please don`t post that political joke you just came up with. . . it really wasn`t that funny to begin with. Thanks for understanding. -the rest of us
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!