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Bored? Update your Facebook to “in a relationship” with someone you’ve never met just to see if they’ll confirm.
I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Sometimes I get road rage standing in lines.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto.. and the stupid machine didn´t pick any of them
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
I enjoy going to costume parties that have a theme. ..."Nude Beach" is my personal favorite.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.