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The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
I inject vodka right into the orange. Screwdriver-to-go
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Since they`re loud and heavily scented already, Abercrombie & Fitch stores really are the ideal spot to go fart.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown