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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.