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I love being married. It`s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I really like it when women check me out, they seem to be able to work the register a lot better than men.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
I`ve been working with this alcohol free program for like six months and it`s really taken a toll on me ... I mean, I`m broke and as far as I`m concerned, they can buy their own alcohol.
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!