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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
If you see someone crying, ask if it`s because of their haircut.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.