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Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
The older I get the more I understand Squidward`s anger.
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people