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The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
I don`t call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."