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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
I can`t be the only one who thinks "Game on, mother f*cker" when I see an air freshner in a bathroom.
Well I made it through the day without beating anyone with a chair. I`d say my people skills are improving.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.