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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Dude, next time you wanna wave at me, please use more than one finger.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I don`t understand why people want a relationship when there`s pizza.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
A dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.