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I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Feeding my kid cold pizza. They will be off to college soon and preparation is the key to success.
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!