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I hate when I accidentally say "I love you" instead of "I`m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you and I`m temporarily delusional."
Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.