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Smooth move.........ExLax
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
Right now my life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
My GF`s anti aging cream went bad ... How does anti aging cream have an expiration date?!
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.