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I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
I don`t mind my long commute, I just hate that it always brings me to work.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.