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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
1st thing I do after great sex! Turn the alarm clock off.........
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
What`s the hold up on making extremely heavy shoes for toddlers so they can`t run around so much?
What am I doing with the rest of my life? I don`t even know what I`m doing with the rest of this post...
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.