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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
I keep myself in just good enough shape to outrun most women and small children during emergencies.. :|
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
No one needs a vacation from me more than me.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
Holding up score cards during sex is not acceptable, apparently.
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
life is too short to match socks
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....