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I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Marriage is like playing Monopoly. It starts out as fun, gets a little boring, then someone steals money from the bank and no one ever wins.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
I Just bought a Ken doll. I don`t know what everyone`s talking about, you can`t read books on this thing
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug