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I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I dont know whats more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Own the day
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Cocaine dealers are always trying to stick their business in other people`s noses.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.