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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Just once, I`d like to see an honest Facebook status, like "happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!"
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.