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From this point on, all postings of pictures of waffles will be considered a personal invitation.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I flunked anger management class.
My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
I`d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
When I was growing up, I was taught to walk and talk and when I was grown, I was told to sit down and STFU!!!
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.