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If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick: My girlfriend.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don`t make the rules.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.