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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
A "Tap Out" sticker on your mini van still makes it a mini van.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.