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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
I never get caught because I`ve watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
If I`m carrying a torch for you it`s only because I want to set you on fire.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!