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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
It was all so different before everything changed.
You move into my house, delete all my porn, decorate every wall with rooster pictures, talk incessantly, leave hair everywhere and are too tired for sex?? Sounds great, let`s do it!!
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."