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I think I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn’t mind driving a tractor around.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
I`ve decided that I`m an ass man. Don`t get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just aren`t as cute as donkeys.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
I just saw the neighbor`s kid trying to spray whipped cream on his cat. I`m thinking he overheard something last night in that house he wasn`t supposed to.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...