Daily Silly Status

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.

i honestly hate saying sorry but when i do i really mean it :-)

I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.

I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.

3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.

There really isn`t much difference between being a kid and being an adult. I was just as emotionally crippled upon learning the truth about Penthouse Letters as I was about Santa Claus.

Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.

Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.

I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.

You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!

There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.

Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.