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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
I only accept apologies in cash.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
My son asked what he should say if a bully said to give him his lunch money. I said tell him you left it on his moms nightstand.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
hearing that Jesus loves you is very nice unless you`re in a Mexican prison
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".