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I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.