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That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
AWESOME!
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.